It aint all about money, honey!

Back from a flash visit to Ahmedabad. What warmed the cockles of my heart most was the tag of a "megacity" being appended to my erstwhile abode. The infusion of a big chunk from the exchequer's trunk seems to have done the same wonders to this city that an efficient make up man can do with good "old" Rajnikant(h). The roads were wider, the air cleaner and the junta agog with praise for the face lift. Sparkling new malls adorned the skyline where solitary mom and pop shops ruled roost. A sure sign of things being north bound I commiserated. Something, however, rankled like a stone in the good morsel that didnt let me plunge headlong in my ecstasy. It took me a visit to the local grocery store to put a finger on the root of the qualm. There it was, in all its glory ( or the lack of it ) shipping off sundry items at the rate of a kilo or a half. The place has been like that for as long as I can remember ( and I do boast of an "elephantine" memory). But that wasnt supposed to be a heritage site to be preserved. The owner seemed to have been stuck in the economic spiral with no vertical movement at all. My query about why he hasnt moved to a bigger place or ventured into something new met with the quitessential puzzled look. "I am happy with what I have, Sir. Am better off without those headaches of taxes, documentation and management that accrue with expansion". A blight for Gujarati enterprise I thought but the guy was there everywhere I looked. In my neighbour who runs an automobile spare parts agency and in my bank where the new computers were as much a spectator of stagnancy as I was. Coudnt lay my eyes on anything that was out of place, somebody who moved into a new apartment or a new office. Enquiring about the new commercial complexes told me that the investment was from people outside Ahmedabad on almost all counts. The city seemed to forge ahead but it was an illusion. It was just the skin that got polished. The skeleton still was weak and dormant. A telling tale of how the red tape and more so, a self imposed alienation from the main stream can dwindle a budding city's aspirations. I doubt if Ahmedshah really saw the hare killing the dog when he set forth setting up this place.

Full Marx to you Mr PM

Its the silence of our leading man thats put him in a spot. He comprehends the nuances of economics but is dumbfounded by socio-economics. One cant help but sympathise with his plight. With a dynastic party on his right and a fledgling partner in the "left", he cant put his mouth where his heart is. Presumably, keeping mum is his way of showing dissent on the fiery matter of reservations. "Affirmative action" is the glorified term to describe whimsical decisions by our polity to aid their vote banks. Aristotle said " The worst kind of social inequality is to make unequal things equal". Philosophy may not be in the good books of our decision makers but rationality seems to have been eschewed as well. A recent study showed that since Mr VP Singh played second fiddle to a certain Mandal, there has been a 90% increase in the number of castes under the OBC category. So, much for social upliftment. It wouldnt surprise me a bit if that rate beats itself by manifolds after the quota implementation in the premier institutes of our country. We sure are headed towards equality. Soon, the county demographics will be so skewed in favour of the backward classes that we all will fall under that category. There wont be another way to survive this land of over a billion. Democracy favours the majority and the backward classes seem to be thriving in terms of breeding on that tenet. While the numbers under the "general" category shrink exponentially, the curve is exactly the opposite for the backward classes. We will certainly need more than 50% reservations in our premier institutes in a few years to cater to these social inequalities. But wait a minute, I am skeptical if we will have any institutes of repute by then. The IITs, IIMs and premier medical institutes are sure to die an unwarranted death and all we will be blessed with the same mediocrity that embellishes most organizations under the aegis of the government. They dont want academics to be an exception. I am ashamed to call myself an Indian this day and admit to my impotency in being able to do anything about the shambles the nation is in. There always were three alternatives that contended for my selection. Stay quiet, do something about the state of affairs or flee. While our PM has opted for the first choice, I have picked the last.

Metatarsal Inc.

Thats the most famous bone ( of contention ) in a world rife with soccer fanatics. With the great extravaganza in Germany barely a month away, a certain Wayne Rooney has been instrumental in granting an (o)cult status to this mysterious link in the human skeleton. Breaking a bone was never such a rage and I am not counting orthopaeds there. "Favourites to virtual also rans" seems to be the predicament for the homeland of the good octogenarian queen. I will hardly be surprised if this piece of human anatomy finds itself in prominent positions not only on those panoramic charts the docs display but also on the connoisseur's menu. Boneless would be replaced by "chicken on a metatarsal". They call it the "metatarsal curse". The better half of a member of the erstwhile "Spice Girls" fell to it the last time Asia held its first football world cup. The BBC certainly made no bones in placing the blame on the foot that broke. Ronaldinho's freak effort that sealed England's fate in that quarter final wasnt the foot that figured in the discussion. Next time my creditors come calling, I know the bone to offer to their henchmen. Probably my ticket to superstardom doesnt lie in my own hands, it lies in my own feet.

News you can refuse

It seems like eons since my dose of daily affairs came from the idiot box. A reflection on those days when my grandpa religiously switched the Onida on at the strike of 8.30 pm to hear that distinctive Doordarshan tune gives me goosebumps. Not that the news readers of yore made a lasting impression on my then impressionable mind, but the fact that it seemed like a fair charter of the day's proceedings minus excessive melodrama. The inclusions may have had an eulogic tilt towards the men in the PMO but then the 30 odd minutes didnt seem too judgemental on the happenings. Take2 and I find myself accessible to so many channels beaming news that I run out of my fingers that I ususally put to use for the purpose of counting. Business suits may well be the order of the day for the anchors but the smile they wear these days seems more a matter of satire than attire. And do they talk glib, one may be forgiven for believing that she was actually listening to a JAM session than a statement of the day's press. "Scoop" seems to have undervalued to such an extent that discovering the visiting head of state's undergarment colour falls under that category. The good man ( and woman ) is now surrounded by other good men ( and women ) who analyse our PM's body language to the extent that you may well be in the position to find out if he suffers from rheumatism or tooth ache. The pitch of the voice betrays such emotion at the exclusion of Saurav from the team like a real bomb had just been dropped, not by the selectors but by the Pak army. Then, there is the phenomenon of "exclusivity". A 5 line chat with Hrithik on what he feels after becoming a pa is exclusive only to 7 channels. And if you are courageous enough to be privy to the scrolls running on top , bottom and every inch of the TV screen where the reader doesnt figure, you may be pleasantly surprised to know that 80 percent of people think that they will die of heart failure while the rest just dont think. So, pick up your phone and decide where you belong. These programmes do cater to people like me who boast of an IQ lesser than his weight. News and associated analysis leave no doubt in you about the propriety of a particular item on the ledger. What with all the expert talk, why do I need to flex my top floor to judge something. Freedom of speech and expression has rarely been put to use so effectively before. So much so, that I find myself speechless at the glut of piffle that unfolds itself. They conduct stings and run amok with the slightest discovery of malpractice. The associate engineer on the electricity board taking 10k bucks for a new connection does rank along side Monica gate if the great samaritans are to be believed. Inane is the best I can describe these programmes and "best" refers not to my description but their excesses. I have decided not to skip these numbers on my remote only when I feel the need of a sleeping pill. The TV media is dead. Long love the TV media.

At loggerheads with Tipu

A long weekend owing to unforeseen circumstances in Bangalore can lead to the mass exodus of souls suffering from wanderlust. Not one to take on long jaunts, I restricted myslef to the great ruler's kingdom that is Mysore. The ticket booking issue once again raised its mighty hood only to unravel the changing face of the Indian railways once again. Was a pleasant surprise to be able to book Shatabdi tickets just one day in advance on the internet, thanks to the e-ticketing service from IRCTC. Wonder what competition can do even to elephantine organizations. This (and the Indian telecom sector ) can surely be a case study for analysing the aftermath of private entrepreneurship against state owned cartels. The Mysore palace came up first principally because of its proximity to my lodgings and secondarily becuase of its operative timings. An afternoon spent on the sprawling complex can be rewarding if you manage to save your naked feet from the charring ground. Extravagance of the Wodeyars stares you in the face with facile paintings adorning the walls and a fair sprnikling of colour all around. Space certainly wasnt at a premium for the erstwhile royals. However, couldnt really see why photography wasnt allowed within the premises. The main attraction, an unimpeded view of a grand passage leading to the palace from the first floor where the monarch himself might have presided over the proceedings. Next in line were the Vrindavan gardens. Located in the basin of the Krishnarajsagr dam around 20 kms from Mysore, this botanical landscape is a sight for sore eyes. Lush green presents itself over the whole landscape and flowers are not just an embellishment but the principal fabric of this lovely panorama. A light drizzle only added to the charm of this natural haven. The main draw however remains the lighting that takes over from the sun. A canvass blazing in myriad coulours giving those fountains a look that can best be describes as surreal. A musical fountain capable of highly complex patterns attracts the most attention. A place for shutterbugs by far. One can be intimidated with the crowds on weekends here but the humanity is bearable for the sight. Day two was devoted to ornithology. The Ranganthittu bird sanctuary flattered to deceive. The blame however may squarely be on my shoulders to have visited the place in the heat of things. The sounds that greeted us made promising forebodings but the originators were nowhere to be seen. A trip on the boat did allow for a few sightings but nothing that can be classified as "risque". The siberian stork seemed to provide a perfect foil to the bats hanging upsides down with its attentive frame. With its breeding season on the way, this aviator seemed to have its beak in every inch of the water. The sanctuary is well maintained and should be a good place for some serious bird watching in the winters. Last but of course not the least was a visit to the great Tipu. His summer retreat termed as "Daulatbagh" depicts his rise and fall along side his exploits in languages and breeding. You read it right, the great Sultan was father to seven strapping sons ( or was it eight ), all dilligently chronicled on the canvass in form of portraits. The paintings on the walls did evoke some feeling of the grandeur that he might have lived and fought in but nothing awe inspiring. Again, a restriction on photography played spoil sport. The last two destinations were covered on an auto-rickshaw that allowed a decent reflection on the coutry side. Green dominated over brown at this time of the year. The return journey on a KSRTC bus proved quite uneventful except for a little brush with a truck on the highway. A trip on a shoestring that didnt disappoint on the whole.

Dogs and Non-Schedues Not Allowed

Am trying to locate a babu who can certify that I am a living form that falls on the human list. If there was one cardinal sin my father ( and his father and his father ) committed, it certainly has to be born on the "general" category. I may yet correct the folly only if I can get myself stamped an OBC or an SC or an ST for that matter. Seems like a good gift for posterity given the rate at which the Indian polity goes about the singular matter of "reservations", the lack of them on the railroads and the excess in every organization of repute. A country of a billion will be run by the dregs of the society because they look good on the vote charts of our wannabe rulers. Get a math handicap in the IITs and somebody with his middle name "ineptitude" in the IIMs and you are sure of witnessing a comedy of errors unroll. Quite a way of entertainment considering the fact that "netas" will still get operated off-shores and I will get injected with a mortein instead of a morphine after banging my head in despair. The aforementioned institutes of higher learning have been the cynosure of all eyes, none the less of those who garnish our seats of democracy. A few gems on an otherwise pathetic state just seems to make a statement in contradiction. What better than bringing them all at par with the great show that is our parliament. Merit is as abhored a word as an expletive in polite company and its sacrilege to subscribe to it. Let us all celebrate the rise and rise of our fall.

Small Town India

Nagpur does not fit the bill of being a "town" but when you have been through the travails of behemoths like Mumbai, Chennai and Bangalore, scales are subject to alterations. It can be a little befuddling to find that the very center of India may be so off its aviation map that the existence of an airport is a mystery to a few residents themselves. Such are the dynamics of economics though. Reason enough for me to categorize the place as "small" . A 24 hour long sojourn on the rail road didnt offer anything that can be remotely described pictursque and I refer to both sides of the coach's windows there. Heralded as the "orange" city, ( its the fruit and not the colour ) Nagpur came across as a beast confounded between choosing the frenzy of a metro and the low profile gaiety of a town. Food provided the most complete antithesis with the adjectives "cheap", "delicious" and "hygenic" being attached to it. The traffic, though, crawls at a snail's pace, notwithstanding the roads that may have bees straight out of the Autobahn. The untethered enthusiasm for festivals like "Rannaumi" betrays an inclination to hold onto the traditional but more so, deriving that sense of pride and bliss through collective celebration, something that seems alien to me in Bangalore. A couple of malls present a stark contrast to the otherwise bohemian city that owes its best pieces of architecture to the British empire. Clothing seemed to be in the conservative domain with high neck lines and low hem lines populating the landscape. No dearth of western outfits on show though. An epitome of what one may call "the best of both the worlds" and other may tag "stuck between cultures". The newspaper still had its priorties on local issues with no "Page 3" to be found for good measure. Publicity campaigns for huge townships where textile mills once stood promise to change the skyline of the city and taxis seem to be accelerating to replace the rickshaw with no engine to boast. The little jamboree reminded me of that kid who wants to reach out for the star filled sky without letting go of her mother's hand. May her reach know no bounds. Amen.

Coming of Age

Comedy is surely that genre of cinema that gets justice on the celluloid at the rate of noughts. Slapstick and sexual innuendoes may have found their footing with Indian directors but more often than not, its the wrong foot that they find themselves on. It was against my better judgement that I decided to put caution to winds and step out to sample the latest offering on the marquee. "Maalamal Weekly" seemed to lack the panache of "Herapheri", even if I was privy only to the rushes. No reveiews had yet sifted through to colour my vision but Paresh Rawal's "toothsome" antics sure didnt evoke memories of a certain "Baabu Bhaiyya" act. The fears of doom stood vindicated with the hall resembling the parliament ( minus the din ). Although the narrative on reel was far from riveting, it allowed my top floor to meander from the inane to a few real reflections. It was enlightening to hear guffaws from the odd corner strengthening my belief that "value for money" is a phrase whose realization is dependant more on the buying side of the transaction than the selling. Laughter muffled only by the need to breathe from certain sections at jokes that got pre-empted by my companions seemed like a statement on my sense of humour. A statement that seemed to say that I have gone bankrupt in that department. Expectations may be a statistical measure but she who keeps them low does get to laugh. The only smirk that I managed to sneak in was during the intermission when a collection of dumbfounded eyes ( I am sure the collection wasnt "odd") met me near the men's rest room. They were all glaring at a flashy red box that gave an impression of a fire extinguisher from the distance. Reasoning that a fire may not be in the offing considering the look was one of curiosity than panick, I decided to go ahead and add a couple to the bulging collection. The box in question turned out to be a condom vending machine. This was my first sighting of the contraption in India and it was no lesser exciting than sighting a lion in Kaziranga. Not because I cannot find a pack at the local medical shop, but because all that talk of safe sex seems to be percolating down to action too. Just makes me believe that it wont be far when a machine finds itself outside the ladies rest room too. Way to go.

A Sunday with Bachi and Fisi

"Cull ho na ho" blared the title of my favourite space of the Sunday Times. Indication enough that Bachi was in prime form again after a severe bout of mediocrity. Chics were never my plate of grub, notwithstanding the one that flu over the cuckoo's nest. An allusion to my cull-inary skills is enough to get the guillotine out of the bag and here was Ms Karkaria going legs and breasts after the next entry on the endangered species list. Jug's sermon on herbivorous diet felt like a decapitated rooster getting along with its early morning duties. While I was engrossed with paltry poultry issues, it was time for the Italian Fish to get me out of my doldrums. I dare not refer to the person in this country's driver seat as a member of the pisces family. The reference undubitably was to Fisi who sat at pole position in Malaysia this Sunday. Twas a revealation to see the underdog trash that "one race wonder" tag and take his toll on the Sepang highway. Things are back to their competitive best, be it getting the formula one title or getting the title formula right. All that matters.

INCHing towards a new-clear order

Dubya's jamboree to the land of elephants and rope tricks may have set a few tails wagging but those hackneyed details are best "left" unchronicled. For somebody who is credited with utterings that may let a thousand marines sail, it would be a travesty to find his way to these innards of inane ramblings. Sample this for starters and it would be just a single course fare that am going to dish out in reverence for the keeper of the free world.

"Terrorists are becoming stronger and resourceful and so are we, they are looking for new ways to inflict agony on our people and our country and so are we."

What garnered more space on our broadsheets and even more bytes in these spaces was the bill of fare laid out on his plate and palate. He sure pardons one turkey on "Thanksgiving" but the credence for him not getting "hen"pecked should go solely to Avian. Its disturbing to think that a call centre job might have exchanged hands during that public show of "affectation" he indulged in. Back stabbing and back slapping remain so congruous a pair of pastimes that making one from the other is better left to a more discerning eye. I managed to spend half a day's salary on a new joint called "INCH" but was as far from famishing as the distance that famous unit of distance suggests. Had trouble figuring out if the key to my suitcase was 119 or 611. Some numbers do make for fascinating tales. Its a prayer that the 14-8 division doesnt have an unforeseen fallout.

Billowing hot and cold

Its not my intent to describe the refrigerator action when I start off with that tag line. Its a rather painstaking chore that cant be "compressed" into the leeway I allow my narrative here. Although, nuptial bliss can sometimes be an excellent anecdote to aid a comatose diction thats so charateristic of a mechanical engineering lecture. It can be a little unnerving to find yourself in good company in the wee hours when you are only accustomed to find the hands of the clock glaring at a rather obtuse angle at you in between the winks. Coming to terms with hot tea and cold shakes can make the faint hearted jittery. The little crib for the curl on the forehead and the overwhelming approbation for a clean shave can put the unsuspecting rookie in a swirl of emotion. Those injunctions masquerading as innocuous requests to comply with the better half's motives can be ignored only to one's own peril. That whimper that lets go from somebody else's lips when the head thats banged is yours makes your tummy do a few sommersaults. Wedlock may be intriguing but it certainly is addling. The steam that would have gathered in your head on mere transgressions now condenses to a warm hug adoring pure naivette and you need to hold firmly against that reassuring shoulder to keep from blowing your top on an innocuous pun. Its uncharted territory but you travel sure footedly, assured of a helping hand should your fortunes take a turn for the worse. They say you make conjoined twins only at birth. I beg to disagree. Marriage pips birth at the post there.....only if you dont call it a second "coming".

Realty Strikes

Real estate has a metallic sound to it. Like steel shearing against concrete. Stuff that can put the best mettles to test. The chronicler, however does not refer to those glistening skins that characterize a yeomen brandishing his skill with a brick in one hand and mortar in the other. What he intends to put in perspective are the uncanny dynamics of renting out a dwelling for himself. When legends come to life, it can get unsavory at times and I realized this the hard way. The prospect of searching for a "house" would always have been daunting given my comatose inclinations. Add to that, taking the challenge on in a burgeoning metropolis we call Bangalore. The buck doesnt stop here. To a budget you would assume to be enough to buy you royalty, the adjective of "shoe string" gets attached before you could say "damn". The prices at which they rent out square feet makes you curse the almighty for giving you two of them. Then, there are other parameters except space that you would try to juggle with, to balance with your pocket. Ventillation ( why do you need to breathe ), wardrobes, a tiled loo or a wash basin, they all come at a separate cost. You may figure out to your own peril that these form a mutually exclusive set when it comes to a single house. Though, if you have those fortunate set of eyes that get to see an abode that defies convention, the rentals would probably be out of your reach, both financially and numerically. Welcome to the real(ty) world. It takes a couple of weekends to realize the aforementioned truths that adorn a house searcher's predicament. The next couple start with the resignation of either living with a obnoxious landlord or without a regular electiricity supply. This is where you encounter the fine print. Requests that say " Sir, we would prefer if you can avoid mid night jamborees " actually are threats of eviction if you string so much as a guitar after 10 in the night. Overheads amounting to a third of the rent you agreed to come out of their dormant state to catch you on the wrong foot ( you dont really have the space for feet as I mentioned ). You are however expected to be condescending to the good samaritans who entertain you and make allowances of showing you the place you want to live in before hand. The security deposits quoted can truly take your breath away if you have managed to save any after these jaunts. (Land)lord save my soul. And, to take you through these throes of emotion is the main protagonist of our chronicle, the "real estate agent". What stops potential land lords from advertsing a "to let" is beyond me ( may be its the sound that it makes ) but this little aversion has sprouted an industry that may well be Don Quixote' s holy grail. These real estate agancies may boast of the best earnings to effort ratios that you may ever come across. Whisking you away on their privileged bikes to corners you never knew existed, they would expose you to the landscape that seemed so oblivious to you a day ago. A month's rent is what you will have to part with as their "consultation" fee. Never knew, you can be paid like a merchant banker for your wanderlust. Suffices to say that they consider it their cardinal duty to fix you up with one of those "avenues". The search borders on the lunatic and its a lucky bloke who gets to say "home, sweet home" at the end of it.

Fire in the Belly

Ushering in the new year with a bang makes for a good figurative mention at binges that are so characteristic of this bulging metropolis. Abstemious behaviour on my part doesnt really put a spanner in the works. Although, Bangaloreans did manage to experience the bang literally to their own chagrin. Its more often than not that you hear shots of raging intellectual fire at the apostle of knowledge that the IISc is. Verbal barrages apart, it found itself in line of some real fire at the fag end of the year. Indiscriminate firing, the news reports blared but to me, it was a case of some serious discrimination. Knocking at the very doors of that hallowed institute, the perpetrators have sounded us on our vulnerability. Only if it was the fear of mortal peril, I wouldnt have found the incident worthy enough to find a mention here. However, the shackles it puts on our thought process is what deserves to be put in perspective. We now need gun toting police men around us to feel secure. Thoughts of attending public functions and institutes of repute fill us with apprehension than pride. Our nerves display such frailty that a panic attack is triggered even by preposterous rumours. Isnt gunning down a professor every bullet worth it if it meets these ends. We are no longer touted as a safe haven for business and the proposition of losing my bread fills me with much more dread and pain that a bullet can. Something inside me tells me that the only way out of this gloom is to avoid the very submission I have alluded to. Should the IISc function under surveillance. Do I keep looking for possible attacks from every car that stops besides me? Do I avoid crowded places and functions that celebrate my very being. I have decided not to, not because it sounds like a Herculean task but because thats my reply to the conundrum these veiled men pose before me.